I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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