she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
