You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
