At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She even gives head with a lisp.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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