At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
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I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
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There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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