another moral hangover. fuck.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
