I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
i now understand why vodka
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
