Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Randomize
