I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
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buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
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You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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