Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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