I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
