I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
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and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
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I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic