she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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