I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
