youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
so explain again why im purple
no
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
