He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
