I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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