Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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