Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
