Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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