Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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