I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Operation Purity has been aborted
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
