I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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