Don't make out with my wife yet
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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