you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
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we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
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I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up