Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
New York to be Host to Americaâ€™s Biggest Singles Event
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Kylie Jenner Wasnâ€™t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching PokĂ©mon. What a time to be alive.