oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
