i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
