I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
