what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
