I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
