Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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