Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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