also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
love makes seman taste better
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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