wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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