So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
