you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
