If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
