Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
