that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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