She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
