In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
So many bounce houses so little time
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
