Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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