She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
