My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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