the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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