We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
