I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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