his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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