it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
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I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
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Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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