just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I met the friendliest cop last night
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
