he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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