2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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