so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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