I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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